Basically Dead Candle

• Warm ambient glow - check!
• Soothing transitions between colours - check!
• Made from real Himalayan salt crystals - check!
• Packed full of mystical properties and health benefits* - check!
• USB-powered so you can enjoy all of the above wherever you are - checkedy check check check!

• Import duties on a real living breathing spitting llama are through the roof these days, plus you have to wait for it to get through quarantine and all that nonsense
• Being a wild animal, real llamas tend to smell a bit - whereas this one smells nice and clean
• This cuddly cosy heatable lap warmer will NEVER spit on or at you - not even in your general direction
• Putting him in the microwave won’t cause a meaty explosion

Just like a real sloth, this Heated Cuddly Sloth is cute, cuddly, and warm. Unlike a real sloth, he doesn’t need to eat or poop, and will survive in the microwave.

Spicy bellend! No, it’s not an STD, it’s the organic produce from our super easy Grow A Dick Kit! This sassy little cube has a big surprise inside: spoiler alert, it’s everything you need to grow a girthy batch of capsicum annuum - AKA phallic chillies!

This is no bird-of-paradise-flower-situation, these spicy red numbers are unmistakably penile from head to shaft. Except for the little green bit on the stem, obvs. If you actually have one of those on your knob, please see a doctor, you may be at risk of being diagnosed as a plant.

All you have do to bring your willy chillies to life is open the cube and pour a little water on the pre-planted seeds. Pop it in a bright, warm place and keep watering every so often to keep them moist - in 12-18 days, you’ll be seeing a red cock rising out of the soil. Mental. In a few weeks, you could be slicing your very own scarlet bellend into a sexy stir fry! Nice.

When you’re ready to repot your plants into something more fitting (coming soon: the Firebox terracotta vagina), the magical eco-friendly cube will slowly decompose and turn into valuable coconut fibre fertiliser for the plant, enriched with all sorts of stuff that makes chillies fully erect big and handsome.

Now all you need is a pair of ginger balls to go with them for a culinary genital match made in Heaven.

Win the prize for best housewarming gift with this disturbingly realistic Balls Doorstop; a faithfully recreated scrotum that makes a beautiful addition to any home.