Disclaimer: none of the things listed here are ‘just’ for women. These gifts are for everyone. Honestly, gifts probably shouldn’t be gendered. But a lot of people like to search for gifts based on the person’s sex, so we thought we’d make it easier for them to find what they’re after. Check out our (blessedly gender neutral) Valentine’s page here if this page ain’t doin’ it for ya.
Fortunately/unfortunately, you can’t be there all of the time. Fab when she’s fed up of you, bit rubbish when she could do with a cuddle. Aww. That’s where our Monster Mushions come in. She won’t need you at all anymore after you give her a giant version of your face to hug when you’re not available. Don’t worry, she’ll probably still keep you around for your razor sharp banter and access to your Netflix account.
Not convinced she’d like a Monster Mushion version of you? Get a new girlfriend! Only kidding. Get her a Monster Mushion with something else on it - her dog, her best mate, her favourite celebrity, the options are endless! Actually maybe don’t get her one with her best mate on it, that might be kinda hard to explain. Especially if you live together. And she catches you humping it.
Be honest, she’s put up with a lot of your shit, hasn’t she? From the generic (toilet seat up, anyone?) to the modern (your habit of liking every single one of Emily Ratajkowski’s Instagram pics and occasionally even commenting ‘wow ’ on them as if that will prompt her to ask Joe, 24, a bartender from Surrey, if he’s up for a Frankie & Benny’s next Tuesday) and the obscure (labelling everything in the house with a label maker and hissing at you if you dare question it). A bit of chocolate is the least she deserves.
But this isn’t any old chocolate. This is pink, shimmery, strawberries and cream white chocolate. Decadent, indulgent, and delicious enough to make her forget any little past mistakes you might have made once or twice.
Oh, and it literally says Thanks For Putting Up With My Shit on it, so your heartfelt original message won’t get lost. Idiotproof.
Not to be crude, but we’re all hoping for a shag on Valentine’s Day. Unless you’ve been with your lucky lady for over two years and all of the excitement dried up long ago, you’ll probably spend the entirety of your date on the edge of your seat, hoping that you’ll get to dip the ol’ dong later on - and secondarily hoping that it’ll go well if you do.
And we all know how booze and bonking interact: unpredictably. Sometimes it’s the world’s best mood lubricant. Sometimes it renders your once-impressive member floppy and lifeless, regardless of the spread-eagled sex goddess in front of you. Plus, neck a gallon of cider and do star jumps for two minutes - nobody likes being shaken about when full of liquid.
The solution: these delicious gummies. These succulent sweet discs taste just like your favourite cocktails and get you pleasantly tipsy without danger of getting trashed or feeling sick. Each one is 100% vegan and has a 7% ABV, which is roughly ½ a shot of booze, so you can control your intoxication to the optimum lowered-inhibitions-but-still-fully operational-genitals level. And they’re bloody tasty. So tasty that you won’t care about whether or not you get to have sex. Don’t quote us on that.
As if your lavish gifts and unrelenting compliments didn’t make it clear, you fcking love her. That sounds ridiculous but sometimes, amidst the chaos of life, we forget to let the people we love know that we do, in fact, fcking love them. You can say it, you can message it, you can tattoo it on yourself, but there is no better way to really hammer it in than to wrap their prezzies in it. Unmissable. Unignorable. Unresistible. Irresistible. Whatever.
Got a particularly fussy lady in your life who won’t be satisfied with any of the treasures above? Poor you. Only joking, have a look at the rest of our magnificent V-day stuff. No matter how choosy she is, we’ve got something that will make her day.