Whether it’s your wife or just a knackered, babied-up mate, every mum deserves something a little better than just a scribbly homemade card on Mother’s Day. Check out our top choices for that first big Mother’s Day - from the baby, obviously!
Whether her episiotomy scars are still giving her grief or the baby won’t stop smearing any available goo up the walls, she might appreciate one of these. It may be too late to go back in time and stop herself from having sex on those fateful conception days, but this is the next best thing: a phallic symbol to pummel in times of distress.
Give this satisfying eggplant a squeeze and get all of that maternal tension out. Baby wailing uncontrollably for no reason? Squeeze the eggplant. Husband dodging some long overdue nappy duty? Squash the eggplant. Got baby vomit all down your favourite jumper? Punish that eggplant. It helps, we promise.
Question: Are you still a mum if your baby is still inside you? Answer: That’s not for us to decide - all we’re going to say is that first-time-pregnancy-havers probably aren’t having a super fun time and would appreciate a gift, even if the ol’ bun isn’t quite fully baked yet.
This book will give her lots to do as she embarks on maternity leave, at least before the furious nesting instinct kicks in. It’s packed with fun activities and hilarious advice - unlike all the tedious unsolicited tips everyone has been giving her since she first announced the sprog formation.
Let’s face it, if her wee bairn were old enough to understand the hassle and fluids and bodily trauma it has put her through, there would only be one gift for the job. Booze.
But until they’re old enough to convince a newsagent that they are Definitely Not Underage, you’ll have to do the alcohol purchasing for them.
And we think there’s nothing that would make her day quite as much as our very own Unicorn Tears Gin. Hand her this big bottle of shimmering, bittersweet gin liqueur and watch her frown turn upside down. If a simple G&T usually manages to make her day, imagine how delighted she’ll be with a magical glittery one?
Having a simple, leisurely cup of tea became a thing of the past the day her little one emerged. When she’s not vigilantly watching over it to ensure it’s still breathing or a fox hasn’t made off with it, she’s bound to whatever she happened to be sat on when it fell asleep in her arms for fear of waking the little nipper. By the time she’s finally got a minute for a cuppa, either the drink has gone cold or there’ll be yet ANOTHER inevitable distraction.
This kettle doesn’t completely solve the problem, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier to get to that blissful end goal of five minute’s peace. The iKettle can be boiled from anywhere in the world via your smartphone - or via Amazon Echo if you’re nearby with your hands full.
There’s even a special wake up mode so you can get your breakfast brew on ASAP, perfect for those early starts when the baby simply has to get up at 5am for some apparently crucial reason.
But what will she brew in her new kettle? Hmm...
Any new mama’s mind is basically a constant bubbling jacuzzi of worry.
Beyond a basic level of ‘is the baby clothed, dry, fed, watered, and quiet?’ lurks less immediately fixable fears. Is the baby developing normally? Why is it sleeping so much? What’s this rash on its leg? And then there’s the looming terror of finding a nursery you trust, the question of whether to return to work, the bizarre desire to have ANOTHER baby, catchment areas, extracurricular activities, will the baby get into university, will the baby be able to look after you when you’re shrivelled, dribbly and incontinent?
It goes without saying she could probably do with a bit of chilling out. Not massively helpful advice, but this tea set is the nicest way to tell her to get a grip. This bespoke calming herbal blend says everything is going to be ok. Each sip from the hilarious matching mug is restorative.
Now repeat after us: ‘my baby does not have dysentery’...
Need more Mother’s Day inspo? Stay right where you are! We’ve got more mum-friendly prezzies than you can shake a stick at.