Normal, lovely, delicious chocolate was fun for a bit, but you’re probably bored of it by now. Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up to something a bit different on Easter Sunday, for once?
Usually this is where we would suggest some of our own inventive little delights - our solid bubblegum-flavoured white chocolate unicorn eggs laced with popping candy and honeycomb chunks, for example.
But these might not be crazy enough for you. Maybe you really want to outdo yourself in the Easter department this year.
We can’t say everyone will appreciate your avantgarde gifts, but it’s safe to say that any of the following prezzies will definitely make for a memorable day...
Take your £495 egg to the park for a photoshoot on a bench
This ridiculous egg costs £495 and it’s mental. So we’re going to give the good folks at Betty’s a lesson in cutting costs, because nobody is going to spend THAT much on an Easter egg.
Oh wait, it’s sold out. But we’ll give them some tips anyway, because we’re so nice.
First of all, don't hand-mould the chocolate. There are machines for that, these days. Much cheaper than hours of delicate handsculpting by a dozen wartime widows.
Don't bother making it pink, we've got the pink chocolate market covered.
Forget the sugar wild roses and golden leaves and delicate piped royal icing, it’s all going to get mixed up in your mouth as soon as you start eating so that’s pointless.
You may have been able to somehow flog your super pricey eggs to the Royal Family or whatever this year, but next year you’ll be so pleased you took our advice on making your posh, signature eggs less good. You’re welcome, Betty’s.
Not to be confused with…
That's the last time we buy Scotch eggs from the discount section...
We must tread carefully here, lest we offend an entire nation. We're sure an egg preserved in clay, ash, salt, quicklime and rice hulls for several months until it turns green from all the hydrogen sulfide and ammonia present is a delicious snack. But it’s not one anyone would want for Easter.
Imagine giving up chocolate for Lent, rushing to the kitchen on Easter Sunday morning to stuff your gob with sweet goodness, only to find one of these waiting for you on a plate. Pungent and quivering.
But being dubbed a delicacy is no mean feat, so maybe there’s something to ‘em. They’re said to be creamy with a strong, salty flavour. Who knows, it might turn out to be even better than the chocolate you were expecting!
Probably not though.
We're just grumpy that we didn't come up with that 'Yeaster Egg' slogan
This isn’t merely a chocolate egg gift set with a little pot of Marmite. Unfortunately.
This chocolate egg is flavoured with Marmite. Marmite chocolate. The chocolate tastes of Marmite. The Marmite has been put inside the chocolate so that it tastes of Marmite. The- sorry, we’ll stop.
We’re all for Marmite flavoured snacks, as you well know, but this is a step too far.
Delete this cursed egg from existence immediately.
Ooh, is that your family tartan?
Can’t be bothered to decorate your own eggs this year? Understandably. That sh*t is fiddly. Also you’re probably not 7 years old.
For the mere pittance of £209.87, you too can be the proud owner of a robotic egg decorator. Strap your unsuspecting egg in for the ride of its life, as it's rotated 360 degrees and drawn upon by a marker pen of your choosing!
Think how satisfied you’ll feel with your geometrically perfect designs instead of the mad scribblings of your children.
Just be sure to hard boil your eggs before letting this futuristic contraption go to town on ‘em, or you could end up with a seriously sticky situation on your hands. And all over the kitchen. We’re not yolking.
Definitely not f*ckable
Of course, Easter isn’t all about the chocolate. You don’t have to miss out on the feast just because you don’t have much of a sweet tooth. Instead, why not tuck into some delicious eggs, hot from your Rollie Egg Cooker?
“What’s wrong with that?” We hear you ask.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so we’re going to let this delicious image speak for itself:
Crack your eggs into this strange kitchen fleshlight and it’ll pop you out a nice tasty egg lollipop like the one you see above. Mmm.
Much better than a boring old poached one.
And now… a confession.
In the spirit of honesty, we must admit that we used to sell this. It was a different time. We’re older and wiser now. Which, as any grumpy old adult knows, definitely gives you the right to hypocritically indirectly slag off your past. Now, let's never speak of this again.
Almost identical to the one built into your fridge
You're walking down the street when it hits you. “Crap. How many eggs do I have at home? And when do they go bad?!” If only there was some way to know, without having to do something as unthinkable as going home and checking.
If you were in possession of this Wi-Fi egg holder, the situation above would be a thing of past, forever.
Enter the use by dates of your eggs into the accompanying app and it’ll make the oldest egg’s compartment light up, so you know to use that one first. So much easier than just taking a glance at the eggs when you’re about to start cooking.
Hey, you could even cut out the middleman and just set reminders on your phone for when your eggs go off. £15 saved right there. Just call us Martin Lewis.