Snuggle up with Pierre and rest your head on his lovely soft shaft - or keep him on your desk to make your colleagues INSTANTLY contact HR to voice their concerns. Treat yourself to this adorable addition to your plush collection - because you’re girth it.
Please note: this is not an accurate to scale version of a human penis. Thank god.
Gone are the worries of your motor smelling of last night's takeaway or that incident that got a bit sweaty on the backseat. With these personalised air fresheners, not only will your car have a delightful sea scent, it will also make you smile every time you look in the rear view mirror.
Creating it is simple; decide on the photos you want, one for the front and a different one for the back, make sure they’re high quality and zoomed in nice and close. Each face will cover one side so both drivers and passers by can enjoy your weird choice in car accessories.
Stuck for ideas? Why not choose a picture of your Mum to remind you not to ruin her 5 years no-claims bonus? Maybe one of your mates so that you're never riding solo? Or torture yourself with a pic of your celebrity crush, knowing that’s as close as you’ll ever get.
Some would say that these Personalised Face Socks are a bit much, and that’s exactly why you need them in your life. Whether you want to buy a pair for yourself or as a gift for your favourite person, this delightful wardrobe accessory adds a bit of personality to the dull world of foot fashion.
Simply upload a photo of your choice (making sure it follows our printing guidelines) then our wizards will turn your image into a multi-portrait masterpiece that will make you the envy of the world.
The aptly named ISAKOK Japanese incense sticks are a lie. Inside this cylinder is in fact a 2 and a half foot penis projectile, complete with hairy balls, that will launch itself into the face of anyone who releases it. The Cock Cannon prank gift is the perfect addition to hen parties, birthdays, or even Valentine’s Day (if you’re brave enough).
Why drink out of something that doesn’t have your face on it when you could be drinking out of something that does have your face on it? Or, even better, your mate’s face on it! Or your dog’s face? We’re not fussy.
No matter who you’ve got in mind, we’ll slap their face on a mug for you - an extra fancy heat change mug that makes their glorious image appear when you add hot water. Can any of your other mugs make your dad appear out of thin air? Didn’t think so.
Simply upload your picture and our magic tool will show you what the finished product will look like. Then, sit back, have a cuppa in one of your inferior mugs, and wait for your stunning new facey one to arrive.
Set-up is simple and fast. Load the capacious cum-containers with whatever you want to spatter the lucky loser with. Spin the dial on the left ball to find out how many pumps you’ve got until touchdown. Do the same with the dial on the right ball to find out where you have to aim it, then pump away!
It’s basically raunchy Buckaroo, but instead of having loads of annoying plastic accessories to pick up off the floor, you just have to get stuck into a packet of wet wipes.
While no alcohol is necessary to have a ton of cheeky fun with Jizz: The Game, you can quadruple the banter by turning it into a drinking game. Take a shot every time your slutty mate takes a load to the face. Hilarious!
Or switch up your substance of choice for even more wacky ejaculation! Pour in glittery gin for a bougie blowjob, orange squash for a kinky sprinkle, or add flour and egg for the ultimate bu-cakey experience.
It’s a bit naughty, but you can handle it. Cum on, don’t be a wanker, it’s only some jizz!
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get down to business. Everyone’s favourite marketing tool has been miniaturised (or shrunkled, to use the technical term) down to fit on your desk. Now YOU can enjoy 18 inches of wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man fun in the comfort of your own home.
“But does he manically flail just like the real thing?”
Of course he does, you beautiful fool. This battery powered masterpiece goes all over the place. He’s uncontrollable. Wiggling. Shimmying. Shaking like a toddler after some original recipe Sunny Delight. He wouldn’t be a real wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man without waving and flailing. He’d merely be a wacky inflatable tube man, and that’s no fun at all.
But the fun doesn't stop there! Get your reading glasses out and discover the incredible origins of the wacky, wacky tube man in the fascinating 32-page mini book included with your very own wacky tube man. Yay, education!
Fun Fact: This wacky waving tube man wasn’t always known by that name - he was originally called The Tall Boy.
You don’t deserve that. So we made them cry, then we bottled their aching sadness.
All that sweet retribution turned their salty tears into a juicy passion fruit and mango flavoured shimmering gin liqueur with a 20% ABV. It’s the perfect partner for prosecco or tonic water and a slice of grapefruit. Swirl their tears around your glass to unlock their magnificent holographic shimmer, reassured at least a few f*ckboy's were harmed in the making of this mythical elixir.
Warning: drinking too much of this may lead to rogue ex-texting. Be on your guard.
Spicy bellend! No, it’s not an STD, it’s the organic produce from our super easy Grow A Dick Kit! This sassy little cube has a big surprise inside: spoiler alert, it’s everything you need to grow a girthy batch of capsicum annuum - AKA phallic chillies!
This is no bird-of-paradise-flower-situation, these spicy red numbers are unmistakably penile from head to shaft. Except for the little green bit on the stem, obvs. If you actually have one of those on your knob, please see a doctor, you may be at risk of being diagnosed as a plant.
All you have do to bring your willy chillies to life is open the cube and pour a little water on the pre-planted seeds. Pop it in a bright, warm place and keep watering every so often to keep them moist - in 12-18 days, you’ll be seeing a red cock rising out of the soil. Mental. In a few weeks, you could be slicing your very own scarlet bellend into a sexy stir fry! Nice.
When you’re ready to repot your plants into something more fitting (coming soon: the Firebox terracotta vagina), the magical eco-friendly cube will slowly decompose and turn into valuable coconut fibre fertiliser for the plant, enriched with all sorts of stuff that makes chillies fully erect big and handsome.
Now all you need is a pair of ginger balls to go with them for a culinary genital match made in Heaven.
Bad news first: the guys at the unicorn farm messed up and fed half of our majestic mares a diet of juicy fat raspberries.
The good news? Turns out that it made their tears even more DELICIOUS. Second only to our Black Unicorn Tears gin. Or possibly the original.
Shower his ceramic body with the included set of seeds, add a bit of water, then your work is done. Within days, a beautiful green coat will begin sprouting. Watch it bloom a bit more every day, from a bit of seedy stubble to a lush layer of green goodness.
But what happens after you’ve harvested your first batch? Pick up some more chia seeds from your supermarket and do it all over again! This llama is infinitely reusable.
These genius Post-Poo Toilet Bombs will save a few blushes the next time you need to send a sausage to the seaside. Simply unload your timber, flush, then pop a bomb or two in the toilet bowl. The fresh, fruity orange scent eliminates offensive odours so you can waltz out of the toilet guilt-free.
If you’re a serial stinker, you can pop a couple in your pocket for those awkward restaurant/bar/gym moments when you’ve got a brown trout to liberate and there’s someone behind you in the queue. Post-Poo Toilet Bombs also make the perfect gift for those known stinkers who think that saying “I wouldn’t go in there for a while” is enough to justify wilting all the flowers within a 50 metre radius.
And they're therapeutic for both men and women!
When the moment strikes, just give these balls a pulverising squeeze and know that if this was real life, the owner of the testicles would be paralysed with fear and pain, dry-heaving and wishing for a swift death. What a calming thought.
Stop playing trouser billiards like a mucky little ape! It might feel wonderfully relaxing but it's horrific to watch. Keep your hands off your – in all probability – unwashed balls and relieve yourself with this rubber prosthesis instead.*
*although don't stop checking them for lumps n' that. Maybe do it in the shower.
Just imagine those faces, merrily tiled across your neatly wrapped gifts, and the joy on your recipient’s faces as they notice and think to themselves, “Wow, [YOUR NAME HERE] sure is a generous, creative, hilarious specimen. I might give them all my money/propose to them/buy them a new car/write an album of songs about how lovely they are/wash all of their dishes forever.”
Calling all pub quiz factfiles, prepare for the ultimate battle of brains and nerves with The Shocking Truth. Players must answer the questions correctly to win the game and avoid getting a cattle prod to the finger. Not for the faint (or pacemaker) hearted, The Shocking Truth will definitely amp up your next games night to the next level.
You win points by betting on your own ability to successfully complete a series of ridiculous dexterity-based challenges. "What sort of challenges?" we hear you squeal! Words can only begin to describe the fast and frantic fun so give this short video a watch and it'll tell you everything you need to know.
The game includes 160 playfully daft tasks and each player attempts the same challenge so get ready to smugly declare "Beat that!"
It only takes a couple of minutes to learn and guarantees hours and hours of entertainment.