While you're curled up in your PJs, binge-watching another Netflix series, ordering takeaway for the fourth day in a row (living the dream) – he'll be there by your side, adding his own brand of soft and lazy lighting to the scene.
He's touch-sensitive and made from super squishy silicone so you can just give him a gentle tap or prod to switch between three different levels of brightness. And because he runs on a rechargeable battery you can keep him powered up with the included USB cable and pop him on the sofa next to you. Aww.
Thank you couch potato!
Spicy bellend! No, it’s not an STD, it’s the organic produce from our super easy Grow A Dick Kit! This sassy little cube has a big surprise inside: spoiler alert, it’s everything you need to grow a girthy batch of capsicum annuum - AKA phallic chillies!
This is no bird-of-paradise-flower-situation, these spicy red numbers are unmistakably penile from head to shaft. Except for the little green bit on the stem, obvs. If you actually have one of those on your knob, please see a doctor, you may be at risk of being diagnosed as a plant.
All you have do to bring your willy chillies to life is open the cube and pour a little water on the pre-planted seeds. Pop it in a bright, warm place and keep watering every so often to keep them moist - in 12-18 days, you’ll be seeing a red cock rising out of the soil. Mental. In a few weeks, you could be slicing your very own scarlet bellend into a sexy stir fry! Nice.
When you’re ready to repot your plants into something more fitting (coming soon: the Firebox terracotta vagina), the magical eco-friendly cube will slowly decompose and turn into valuable coconut fibre fertiliser for the plant, enriched with all sorts of stuff that makes chillies fully erect big and handsome.
Now all you need is a pair of ginger balls to go with them for a culinary genital match made in Heaven.
Tall glasses, short glasses, tulip glasses, dimpled glasses; they say there's a glass for every type of beer and occasion. But what about a special beer glass created just for you?
With our new Personalised Beer Stein, your favourite brew has never tasted sweeter!
This premium tankard has a classy frosted finish for that mouthwatering 'fresh from the cooler' look and features a sturdy, trigger-style handle for easy holding (and hearty cheers-ing).
Just hit the 'Personalise' button to add a cheeky message of your choice (up to 60 characters spread across 4 lines, bad beer puns are hoptional). It could be a special date, the name of your Best Man, a classic quote, a birthday message – you name it, we'll print it.
Cheers to that!
Thanks to the revolutionary polymer compound that its made from, this advanced silicone material grips everything from iPads to Sat Navs. Just slap it on your dashboard, desk or wall and place your items on top. As if by magic, your possessions will defy the forces of nature and be held in place – it's an incredibly satisfying miracle of modern science to behold.
Resistant to water, high temperatures and sunlight, it’s perfectly at home wherever you choose to put it. And it never needs replenishing either – when the stickiness begins to wear off, just wipe it with a damp towel and it’ll be as good as new. We're pretty sure that this doesn't apply to geckos though.
If you like your coffee strong (f*cking strong no less), then what else do you really need to know? Packed and roasted at our London roastery, this powerful brew is a complex and dark-roasted blend of Brazilian and Honduran Arabica Coffee. Full-bodied and f*cking flavoursome, with powerful notes of dark treacle, cocoa and liquorice, complimented by a dense syrupy body.
Stop poisoning your body with unfulfilling freeze-dried rubbish and don't settle for whimpering brands that are afraid to give you what you really want, nay NEED. Make yourself a hot cup of F*cking Strong Coffee and kick-start your day with a potent dose of delicious caffeine-laden euphoria.
We extracted the capsaicin (the hot bit) from the hottest chillies available, the resulting infusion burns like a thousand suns, and then we made delicious milk chocolate with it. Or at least, that was the plan.
If you’re the kind of seasoned curry connoisseur who asks for extra spicy, or the type to drizzle Tabasco liberally on everything, then this may well be a dream come true. However be warned, this ludicrously hot chocolate is not for the faint of heart... it’s not even really for fun. Strictly speaking, it’s probably not chocolate at all.
So just to confirm for anyone in the remotest of doubt – our Instant Regret Chocolate really is extraordinarily hot. The factory didn't really want to make it. It's fair to say that it turned out quite a bit hotter than anyone expected. Still, what is joy without pain – excruciating oral and internal pain?
Challenge yourself, and your friends. You won’t regret it.*
*Seriously, you almost certainly WILL regret it.
This ingenious floating gizmo projects several seriously psychedelic multicoloured light sequences onto the bottom and sides of the bath. It's truly hypnotic, especially as the pulsating effects are distorted by the water in the tub. Put on some suitably upbeat music, dim the main light and strike that classic legs apart, arm in the air pose and you could be in Studio 54, albeit nude and soaked in hot water. Not such a bad thing in our book.
Battery-operated and water resistant, the Underwater Disco Lightshow features a button that changes the patterns (some subdued, some dynamic), so you can alter the mood in an instant. What's more its curvaceous shape causes the lights to reach out to every corner of the bath. If you're feeling really decadent you could even plop this plastic doodah in your pool, pond or hot tub. Water based shenanigans will never be the same again.
The Underwater Disco Lightshow has been a real hit here at Firebox HQ. In fact we're standing here wrapped in towels having just emerged from our communal bath/disco. Invigorating? We spent the whole multicoloured soak thinking up water-based disco classics to shoehorn into this description. Sadly we could only come up with Car Splosh, Heaven Must Be Missing A Plughole and a few tunes by Splashford and Simpson. Suggestions welcome.
Whether you're chilling out or getting ready for a night on the tiles (no, not the bathroom tiles), this incredible device is guaranteed to add a mesmerising kaleidoscope of light to bathtime. So don't just sit in the tub twiddling your pruning thumbs; order an Underwater Disco Lightshow and Blame it on the Bathtub!
This box of Firebox favourites is guaranteed to contain four big surprises that they definitely won’t be expecting. We can't reveal too much about what's inside (or we'd spoil the surprise, duh!) but trust us when we say this is a mad box of fun. Bestselling fun, in fact.
This may be a fantastic guilt-free present for someone a little quirky, but you’ll have just as much success freaking someone straightlaced out - we defy them not to crack a big grin when they see what they’ve got.
This tinned treat is hand-made in Germany using only natural and high-quality ingredients, and because it's baked right in the can, it has a lengthy shelf life of up to 18 months without the need for nasty additives, stabilisers, colourings or raising agents.
Packed full of delicious chocolate brownie flavour, this soft and moist sponge cake is ready to be devoured straight from the can - no further cooking required! And that's not all; to ramp up the birthday vibes we've included a candle for your lucky recipient to blow out. Just the one though because, you know, no one likes to be reminded of their age!
Fancy trying some of our other canned delicacies? Make sure you check out the full range of Cancakes.
Our Make your own Halloumi kit contains enough equipment and ingredients to make eight (yes eight!) batches of mouth-watering halloumi – all you need to do is add your own milk!
If you're not too hungry and have the patience to leave your cheesy creation in the fridge overnight – do it, it's worth the wait. The salt and mint will have time to fully infuse into the halloumi and the resulting flavour is absolutely sublime.
Meet Plush Organs, the cute and cuddly version of all your favourite innards. Just look at their adorably demented little faces!
Whether it's a daft in-joke between friends, an educational toy, a good luck charm or a post-op celebration – these award-winning plushes are the perfect gutsy gift
In all seriousness these lil' guys have been helping people laugh in the face of terrible illnesses since 2005! Don't clutter up someone's bedside table with another boring 'get well' card – cheer them up with a cheeky Plush Organ!