Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get down to business. Everyone’s favourite marketing tool has been miniaturised (or shrunkled, to use the technical term) down to fit on your desk. Now YOU can enjoy 18 inches of wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man fun in the comfort of your own home.
“But does he manically flail just like the real thing?”
Of course he does, you beautiful fool. This battery powered masterpiece goes all over the place. He’s uncontrollable. Wiggling. Shimmying. Shaking like a toddler after some original recipe Sunny Delight. He wouldn’t be a real wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube man without waving and flailing. He’d merely be a wacky inflatable tube man, and that’s no fun at all.
But the fun doesn't stop there! Get your reading glasses out and discover the incredible origins of the wacky, wacky tube man in the fascinating 32-page mini book included with your very own wacky tube man. Yay, education!
Fun Fact: This wacky waving tube man wasn’t always known by that name - he was originally called The Tall Boy.
Just plop a few Unicorn Poo Bath Bombs in your tub and they'll fizz and roam around the water, leaving a psychedelic marble of bright colours in their wake.
What's more, because these Unicorns have been fed a rich (and brutally strict) diet of raspberries, their dreamy droppings will fill your bathroom with a fragrant fruity aroma.
How To Live With A Huge Penis explores and allays the daily struggles of this genetic marvel, with chapters covering all of the major issues including:
- Unzipping: Coming Out to Your Friends and Family
- Care and Maintenance of Your Huge Penis
- Sharing Your Pain: Sexual Intercourse with a Huge Penis
- Dealing with Discrimination
- Big Blessings: Unexpected Advantages of a Huge Penis
That's a short excerpt from a typical round of F**K The Game – the party card game that combines colours and swear words with good old-fashioned psychological mind-f*ckery.
Here's how to play:
Players take turns to flip over a card and yell out what they see. Depending on the nature of the card, you might have to say the background colour, the text colour or a swear word. You keep turning cards over and shouting until someone f*cks up and picks up the pile. The winner is the first player to get rid of all their cards.
It sounds relatively straightforward, but the cards employ a psychological phenomenon known as the 'Stroop effect'. In short, it massively messes with your head and slows down your brain's responses. No matter how quick-witted you think you are, this game will catch you out.
There are three extended instructions cards so once you’ve mastered the basics you can take the game to the next level by introducing a whole host of new rules – you can even create your own.
A birthday card like no other, treat your loved ones to a gift they'll always remember. Because they wont have a choice. Because it never stops playing. Give them the gift of a permanent ear-worm combined with extreme mental anguish. Don't worry, there's a safety tab so you can sign the card and test it before the fun begins.
Once opened, the Never-ending Birthday Card continues to play for up to three whole hours (though the one we foolishly tested played for five!). The music gets even louder if they try pressing the button inside to stop it, heck they can submerge the card in water – this relentless beast just keeps on jingling. Best of all, when the lucky recipient finally reaches breaking point and tries to rip into the card to destroy its circuitry they'll be greeted with a merciless explosion of glitter.
Needless to say, this is the best prank birthday card in existence.
Word to the wise:
- This card arrives packaged and needs to be opened and signed first before gifting
- Send it to yourself first before giving it to your unfortunate recipient
If you like your coffee strong (f*cking strong no less), then what else do you really need to know? Packed and roasted at our London roastery, this powerful brew is a complex and dark-roasted blend of Brazilian and Honduran Arabica Coffee. Full-bodied and f*cking flavoursome, with powerful notes of dark treacle, cocoa and liquorice, complimented by a dense syrupy body.
Stop poisoning your body with unfulfilling freeze-dried rubbish and don't settle for whimpering brands that are afraid to give you what you really want, nay NEED. Make yourself a hot cup of F*cking Strong Coffee and kick-start your day with a potent dose of delicious caffeine-laden euphoria.
Made from 4x heat-treated steel, it's a worthy instrument ready to be wielded by the ultimate Shinobi warrior. The well-chosen tools included are hex wrenches, a can opener/fruit peeler, bottle opener, ruler, letter opener, box opener, phone stand and a screw driver.
A sleek and agile master of stealth. You'll hardly know it's there lurking silently in the shadows of your wallet, waiting to emerge when you need it most.
This ingenious floating gizmo projects several seriously psychedelic multicoloured light sequences onto the bottom and sides of the bath. It's truly hypnotic, especially as the pulsating effects are distorted by the water in the tub. Put on some suitably upbeat music, dim the main light and strike that classic legs apart, arm in the air pose and you could be in Studio 54, albeit nude and soaked in hot water. Not such a bad thing in our book.
Battery-operated and water resistant, the Underwater Disco Lightshow features a button that changes the patterns (some subdued, some dynamic), so you can alter the mood in an instant. What's more its curvaceous shape causes the lights to reach out to every corner of the bath. If you're feeling really decadent you could even plop this plastic doodah in your pool, pond or hot tub. Water based shenanigans will never be the same again.
The Underwater Disco Lightshow has been a real hit here at Firebox HQ. In fact we're standing here wrapped in towels having just emerged from our communal bath/disco. Invigorating? We spent the whole multicoloured soak thinking up water-based disco classics to shoehorn into this description. Sadly we could only come up with Car Splosh, Heaven Must Be Missing A Plughole and a few tunes by Splashford and Simpson. Suggestions welcome.
Whether you're chilling out or getting ready for a night on the tiles (no, not the bathroom tiles), this incredible device is guaranteed to add a mesmerising kaleidoscope of light to bathtime. So don't just sit in the tub twiddling your pruning thumbs; order an Underwater Disco Lightshow and Blame it on the Bathtub!
Book your physio appointment well in advance and get ready to spice things up with the Karma Sutra scratch card bucket list. Add the element of surprise when you scratch off 52 positions, then flip the card over to record the date, location and give the position an enjoyment rating. The attractive gift box makes it the perfect present for your thirsty partner.
Spoil your feet with the ultimate Christmas treat – our personalised Christmas socks! Snap a photo of your choosing, and let work our magic, printing it on your preferred background. Now, the big question is: which Christmas character will you rock? Or perhaps you'd rather create the perfect customised gift by featuring your favourite face. Say goodbye to those mundane Christmas sock presents – this year, nobody will grumble about getting socks for Christmas!
Some would say that these Personalised Face Socks are a bit much, and that’s exactly why you need them in your life. Whether you want to buy a pair for yourself or as a gift for your favourite person, this delightful wardrobe accessory adds a bit of personality to the dull world of foot fashion.
Simply upload a photo of your choice (making sure it follows our printing guidelines) then our wizards will turn your image into a multi-portrait masterpiece that will make you the envy of the world.
Are your colleagues still coming up to your desk and asking you to do things for them, even though you told them you’re completely swamped with work? Are they flooding your inbox with reminders?
Instead of telling them to p*** off and risk getting hauled into your manager’s office, try this mini ticket dispenser, a system tried and tested by butchers across the land. It comes with 100 paper tickets, and even a little electronic notice board to display the current number being “served”.
What’s more, it includes a booklet outlining different ways to tackle common office distractions, like Karen from accounts asking you if you watched last night’s episode of The Masked Singer.
They saunter over to your desk, they gaze at your screen ponderously, their eyes slowly scanning the spreadsheet. After a few short moments they confidently reach for your laptop, highlight a few cells and then BANG. A split-second keyboard shortcut and your problem is solved. Blink and you'd miss it.
"There you go, all done" they say with a cheeky wink and a sympathetic pat as they moonwalk back to their desk.
With the mighty Excel Shortcut Mug at your disposal, you too can possess this powerful spreadsheet wizardry, you'll wonder how you ever functioned without it.
PS. Google Sheets is for wimps.
Somewhere... betwixt the undulating pages of this lush and sprawling book... resides one of nature's rarest and most precious creatures. The David Attenborough.
Exactly where this legendary animal resides... is unknown.
Its habitat... ever-changing.
Within the coldest glaciers, the hottest desserts, the densest rainforests ... the Attenborough waits... patiently... for you to discover him.
Okay, that's enough.