That's a short excerpt from a typical round of F**K The Game – the party card game that combines colours and swear words with good old-fashioned psychological mind-f*ckery.
Here's how to play:
Players take turns to flip over a card and yell out what they see. Depending on the nature of the card, you might have to say the background colour, the text colour or a swear word. You keep turning cards over and shouting until someone f*cks up and picks up the pile. The winner is the first player to get rid of all their cards.
It sounds relatively straightforward, but the cards employ a psychological phenomenon known as the 'Stroop effect'. In short, it massively messes with your head and slows down your brain's responses. No matter how quick-witted you think you are, this game will catch you out.
There are three extended instructions cards so once you’ve mastered the basics you can take the game to the next level by introducing a whole host of new rules – you can even create your own.
For our second batch, we’ve refined and improved our emotion harvesting technology, resulting in a bittersweet gin experience and an iridescent glittery appearance that will blow your mind.
To give Unicorn tears their unique taste, we humanely force-feed these beautiful beasts entire wheelbarrows of citrus fruit, oranges, juniper berries, bunches of coriander, and sticks of liquorice. We then force down this concoction with a giant glittery pestle, like fantasy foie gras, and reap the tears as they fall.
You too can now embody the purity, power and potency of nature’s most sacred steed.
To unleash their magical powers: Swirl the bottle. Behold its shimmering majesty. Consume the mythical spirit.
Put simply, these are the best pair of slippers you will ever own. The softest, the cosiest, the most relaxing - the slippers to end all slippers. Sure, you can't take them for a stroll down to the newsagent to grab a pint of milk and a paper, but who even does that anyway? Put some proper shoes on for heaven's sake!
These luxury loafers aren't just super comfy, they provide a gentle vibrating massage to caress your feet and soothe away the day's stresses. If it's a chilly evening or you just fancy dialling up the cosiness, there's an additional warming function to lavish your frosty feet with with a heavenly heat. Just bliss.
Best of all, the slippers are mains powered so the warm, pillowy pleasure never has to end.
Now you can recreate that youthful exuberance and unhinged joy from the comfort of... your toilet!
The waterproof and slip-proof Toilet Piano Mat rolls out flat to reveal a set of large, foot-friendly piano keys for you to stomp upon. Perfect for having a casual tinkle, honing your musical abilities, passing the time, or just drowning out a chorus of earth-shattering flatulence.
The creators have even thrown in a song book and handy 'Do Not Disturb' sign - you know, for when you're composing your next movement.
This box of Firebox favourites is guaranteed to contain four big surprises that they definitely won’t be expecting. We can't reveal too much about what's inside (or we'd spoil the surprise, duh!) but trust us when we say this is a mad box of fun. Bestselling fun, in fact.
This may be a fantastic guilt-free present for someone a little quirky, but you’ll have just as much success freaking someone straightlaced out - we defy them not to crack a big grin when they see what they’ve got.
Escape your tedious reality and submerge your tastebuds in the smooth taste of Mermaid Tears Vodka. This sparkly spirit is made from premium French Grain Vodka and blended with the glistening tears of our line-caught Mermaid shoal.
Give the chunky bottle a swirl and, just like a Mermaid's tail whipping up the sea floor, a glittery haze will begin to disperse throughout this dreamy, ocean-blue vodka.
This mesmerising blend is delicious splashed into cocktails or served on the rocks – so go ahead, leave your boring human life behind and sip upon the shimmering tears of these sassy sirens.
Everyone’s favourite rockstar has gone missing in loads of different places. It’s up to your eagle-eyes to find him again and make sure he’s Hunky Dory. Don’t worry, he’s usually just hanging about looking cooler than everyone else in one of his lovely fancy outfits.
You can’t take him anywhere. He goes missing on the Moon, he goes bonkers in Berlin, he’s nowhere to be seen in New York… Good thing he’s always surrounded by cool people having fun, like Bob Dylan, Laika the space dog, and the lads from Flight of The Conchords.
Imagine the surprise on your friend/lover/mother’s face when you announce that you’ve bought them a butt plug. Then, they unwrap what they think is a naughty gift, only to let out a massive groan, because what you’ve actually given them is a bum -shaped sink plug.
But once the lameness of your punny present sinks in, they’ll soon realise what a practical gift it is - the (rear) end to their leaky sink problems!
Famously described by Sir Winston Churchill as “a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma”, The Black Box is a treasure trove of surprise gifts the likes of which we cannot describe. Literally, we can’t describe them, otherwise it wouldn’t be a mystery box, it would be an obvious box.
Get your hands on our biggest box to date and not only will you delight in the surprise of its glorious contents, but you’ll also be getting a brilliant deal, having scored £160 worth of products for only £89.99.
So, are you brave enough to step into the unknown?