Snuggle up with Pierre and rest your head on his lovely soft shaft - or keep him on your desk to make your colleagues INSTANTLY contact HR to voice their concerns. Treat yourself to this adorable addition to your plush collection - because you’re girth it.
Please note: this is not an accurate to scale version of a human penis. Thank god.
Now you can recreate that youthful exuberance and unhinged joy from the comfort of... your toilet!
The waterproof and slip-proof Toilet Piano Mat rolls out flat to reveal a set of large, foot-friendly piano keys for you to stomp upon. Perfect for having a casual tinkle, honing your musical abilities, passing the time, or just drowning out a chorus of earth-shattering flatulence.
The creators have even thrown in a song book and handy 'Do Not Disturb' sign - you know, for when you're composing your next movement.
There are no two ways about it – this mug is covered with hundreds of micro penises. An inspired design that casually treads the fine line between subtle abstract masterpiece and horrendous phallic overload. Is it just us or does it have a bit of a Scandi vibe going on?
Best not to overthink it – it's a cup of dicks!
We don't sell golden thrones or rent out teams of loyal manservants - but we know that every aspiring princess deserves their own set of fancy regal robes.
Now you can relax like royalty with our Personalised Luxury Princess Dressing Gown.
Possibly the softest, warmest, snuggliest garment in the entire known universe. Featuring a large hood (to leave room for your crown), as well as two deep pockets for all of your essentials - mobile phone, gold sceptre, share-size bag of Maltesers etc.
And that's not all, we can print the back of this luxurious dressing gown with any name you desire; your own, your kid's, your partner's - just hit the 'Personalise' button and we'll take care of the rest.
Whether you're having a sleepover with friends, settling down for a Disney marathon on the sofa, or going to get the morning papers - make sure you do it in style with our Personalised Luxury Princess Dressing Gown.
Upload a photo of anyone you want and we’ll tile it over your very own doormat. Whether it’s your best mate, your ex, your worst enemy or your favourite person, we’ll print 'em so you can step on them every time you leave or enter the house.
No matter how enthusiastic you are about caking mud into them, your doormat will remain super easy to clean - just bung it in the washing machine at 30 degrees and it’ll be good as new, ready for more vengeful shoe cleaning. Not a lot we can do if you get so angry that you wear a massive hole in it though, other than suggest a course of therapy and some yoga.
READ ME! I’M IMPORTANT!
- Only upload photos with one face in them (no group photos please!)
- Photos showing more than one face may result in us having to delay or even cancel your order.
- Don't ruin Christmas by uploading photos with multiple faces in!
Why drink out of something that doesn’t have your face on it when you could be drinking out of something that does have your face on it? Or, even better, your mate’s face on it! Or your dog’s face? We’re not fussy.
No matter who you’ve got in mind, we’ll slap their face on a mug for you - an extra fancy heat change mug that makes their glorious image appear when you add hot water. Can any of your other mugs make your dad appear out of thin air? Didn’t think so.
Simply upload your picture and our magic tool will show you what the finished product will look like. Then, sit back, have a cuppa in one of your inferior mugs, and wait for your stunning new facey one to arrive.
Gone are the worries of your motor smelling of last night's takeaway or that incident that got a bit sweaty on the backseat. With these personalised air fresheners, not only will your car have a delightful sea scent, it will also make you smile every time you look in the rear view mirror.
Creating it is simple; decide on the photos you want, one for the front and a different one for the back, make sure they’re high quality and zoomed in nice and close. Each face will cover one side so both drivers and passers by can enjoy your weird choice in car accessories.
Stuck for ideas? Why not choose a picture of your Mum to remind you not to ruin her 5 years no-claims bonus? Maybe one of your mates so that you're never riding solo? Or torture yourself with a pic of your celebrity crush, knowing that’s as close as you’ll ever get.
Some would say that these Personalised Face Socks are a bit much, and that’s exactly why you need them in your life. Whether you want to buy a pair for yourself or as a gift for your favourite person, this delightful wardrobe accessory adds a bit of personality to the dull world of foot fashion.
Simply upload a photo of your choice (making sure it follows our printing guidelines) then our wizards will turn your image into a multi-portrait masterpiece that will make you the envy of the world.
You’d be surprised how much work goes into looking disheveled, that’s why a beard comb is a must for every hairy-faced hero. Take your gift to another level when you add a message of your choice to this personalised beard comb. Beautifully engraved on quality cherry wood, they will think of you every time they brush the leftover lunch out of their whiskers.
These personalised face flip flops will ensure no one steals your shoes at the beach while you make awkward Tik Tok videos on the water’s edge. A fun addition to your summer wardrobe, they can be personalised with the face of your choice, from your own mug to the flawless visage of your celebrity crush.
These flip flops also make a wildly original gift for mates’ holidays, stag or hen weekends, and they’re available in three different sizes so no one gets left out.
And they're therapeutic for both men and women!
When the moment strikes, just give these balls a pulverising squeeze and know that if this was real life, the owner of the testicles would be paralysed with fear and pain, dry-heaving and wishing for a swift death. What a calming thought.
Stop playing trouser billiards like a mucky little ape! It might feel wonderfully relaxing but it's horrific to watch. Keep your hands off your – in all probability – unwashed balls and relieve yourself with this rubber prosthesis instead.*
*although don't stop checking them for lumps n' that. Maybe do it in the shower.
This ingenious floating gizmo projects several seriously psychedelic multicoloured light sequences onto the bottom and sides of the bath. It's truly hypnotic, especially as the pulsating effects are distorted by the water in the tub. Put on some suitably upbeat music, dim the main light and strike that classic legs apart, arm in the air pose and you could be in Studio 54, albeit nude and soaked in hot water. Not such a bad thing in our book.
Battery-operated and water resistant, the Underwater Disco Lightshow features a button that changes the patterns (some subdued, some dynamic), so you can alter the mood in an instant. What's more its curvaceous shape causes the lights to reach out to every corner of the bath. If you're feeling really decadent you could even plop this plastic doodah in your pool, pond or hot tub. Water based shenanigans will never be the same again.
The Underwater Disco Lightshow has been a real hit here at Firebox HQ. In fact we're standing here wrapped in towels having just emerged from our communal bath/disco. Invigorating? We spent the whole multicoloured soak thinking up water-based disco classics to shoehorn into this description. Sadly we could only come up with Car Splosh, Heaven Must Be Missing A Plughole and a few tunes by Splashford and Simpson. Suggestions welcome.
Whether you're chilling out or getting ready for a night on the tiles (no, not the bathroom tiles), this incredible device is guaranteed to add a mesmerising kaleidoscope of light to bathtime. So don't just sit in the tub twiddling your pruning thumbs; order an Underwater Disco Lightshow and Blame it on the Bathtub!
Get some popcorn crackling away on the hob, dim the lights, and slip your smartphone into the back of the Project Yourself Cardboard Projector. This stylish and portable package features a high-quality glass lens with an impressive 8x magnification to transform your miniature mobile movies into glorious cinematic events.
Don't get us wrong, we love going to the cinema but here are six reasons why this is a pretty solid upgrade:
- A bunch of kids aren't going to talk over the whole thing
- Enjoy sensibly priced popcorn and drinks
- You can eat an obnoxiously smelly hotdog without feeling self-conscious
- Just pause the film if you need to nip to the toilet
- You can even stop it completely if it turns out to be a dreadful choice
- Seriously comfy seats and generous leg-room for all ...we'll leave it up to you whether you want to play half an hour of trailers and car adverts.